Single Ladies and Casual Sex


Here's a heads up if you're deeply religious, under the age of 18, or a man who believes his partner should be a virgin before being dating/marrying him, then please don't read this blog post because you will be HIGHLY disappointed. If you're a single woman who wants to know more about casual sex, how to get it, and safely practice casual sex then keep reading.

I feel as though, men are taught to go out into the world a sow their wild oats way more than women, and therefore women are taught to be patient and save themselves for the right man. Yet, in the modern day atmosphere of the internet age and at a pace where you can get anything you want within minutes this age-old notion of being a virgin and waiting for Mr. Right is way outdated. This especially rings true for African American women who are 42% single leading up to the age of 30 and 72% are unwed mothers. - NYTimes

Yes, that's correct black women are not getting married at the same rate as other ethnic groups. I am included in this group of women and therefore I have experience with figuring out how I can meet my sexual needs without keeping myself from one day being in a committed relationship.

The main things to point out are: Men don't carry less value because they have had multiple partners. Men don't accurately count how many partners they have had. A man that is truly in love with you will NOT ask you how many partners you have had before him, unless your past partners start reappearing. All these things are important when considering casual sex. IF HE DOES ASK YOU:

Let's get a few vocabs out of the way.

1) By having a one night stand - ie you have never met this person before and you decided to engage in sex.

You only have sex ONCE and you don't keep in contact.

If you have a one night stand you should realize you are putting yourself at a higher risk of contracting something. I prefer not to do one night stands because of this. Yet, if you do make sure to use protection.

2) You know someone, who would also like to have sex without the strings being attached (NSA).

NSA, no strings attached, can be with anyone you know. I would suggest it be with someone you have known for a while and trust. That person should not share your nude pictures, raunchy text messages, or dirty bed talk with friends. What happens in your sheets should stay there. If that person violates this then you should stop all communication with them immediately.

The biggest part about casual sex as a single lady is that you remain a lady. This means, you keep your sex life PRIVATE. Period. You don't tell all your girlfriends you have a boy toy unless you're really confident and know they would never tell anyone... I'm sorry, but I'm not a cast member in the movie Sex in the City so I don't know a bunch of women like that.

3) A booty call is different from a NSA partner, whom you have known for a while, because a booty call can come from a One Night Stand. 

The difference is you don't have any ties to this person and you know little about each other and it can mature into an NSA. A booty call can be from a date that didn't turn into a second date. It can be from meeting someone once or twice for sex.


People say that having casual sex is difficult because someone always catches feelings and things get misinterpreted. I believe this is true and it can come from either men or women. I would suggest finding a person who is on the same page as you. I don't suggest having casual sex with someone you are mentally attracted to. For example, you should do this...if you prefer to date basketball players, but you sleep with football players. Both are athletes and probably have attractive bodies, but they completely different in body shapes and mindsets. It's just easier to have casual sex the opposite type you're attracted to. I'm not telling you get someone unattractive, but if you do get someone you're attracted too, just be prepared to let go of that person when they leave.

Remind yourself, you are not in a relationship with that person just know that it is just sex. Therefore, you do not have the same privileges as a relationship. Now, you are a human being and your sexual partner should have some kind of respect for you as a person. You need to establish that with them early on. IE. If they hit you up out of the blue and expect you to come over in 10 mins on a Monday at 10am like you're not at work...then you need to discuss with them that a 10 min notice on a work day is not reasonable for you.

Don't be afraid to ASK FOR IT (SEX).  The best thing is that most guys you allow to approach you will not say no to sleeping with you. That's just a girl "home court" advantage.


Next, you should get their record, STD test, from your sexual partner outlining if they had any kind of STD: Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphillis, Hepatitis, Herpes, HPV, HIV, AIDS, Crabs, etc. Ask your partner if they have ever had any of these diseases and be honest if you have. If they don't agree to provide evidence they are STD free then I would suggest you proceed with caution and use a condom. Also note that not all tests provide information on all the STDs listed because many curable STDs have separate testing. I get checked every 3-6 months if I do not frequently engage in sex.

TIP: When I engage in sex frequently, having a steady partner, I will get tested every 3 months via blood test and ask for a "Rainbow" < a rainbow test will look for all STDs and not just AIDS or HIV.

I would suggest keeping the same sexual partner for a long time because your risk goes down. Prevention Methods: 

TIP: If you start dating someone don't ignore your NSA or booty call. Don't tell the person you're dating you have a booty call. Yet, if things start to get serious with the person you are dating you might want to let your booty call know. Why? because they need know you might need them to slow down with the late night calls. I would suggest waiting until you are 3 months into dating someone who is really investing in you before telling your booty call. Or wait until you are officially labeled as a girlfriend of the person you are dating, I believe this is the part of "Think Like A Man" that Steve Harvey left out.

Once you are in a committed relationship, ie you have a title, you're meeting the family, you're going on dates, or he has incorporated you into this lifestyle then you need to cut off all your booty calls. DUH.

Keep your options opened at all times. Never have one egg in your basket because men don't function that way and neither should women. Let go of your cultural oppression and learn to just be human and allow your animal instinct to give you some sexual freedom. You are not a man, but you are human and you have needs. If someone judges you for having good sex it's probably because they having NO SEX or BAD SEX and you should feel bad for them and therefore forward them this blog post.

Next blog post: Casual Sex Therapy | Where to Start

Before you go:
I believe in the practice of safe sex and if you would like to know more, please go to: Well ladies, there you have it...Want to know more? Got questions? Comment below or go to the navigation bar and find the link "ASK SONJA" and we'll chat about it.
This blog is NOT geared toward sexual orientation or gender classification. This blog is based solely on the blog authors experience and research. This blog is geared toward promoting a mixture of masculine and feminine attire and with an integrated genderless lifestyle.

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