The Ex Factor: Being Civil



I decided to openly write this because for as long as I can remember I have always said positive things about my exes when speaking about them to other people. Some people never fully understood why I do this after a rough relationship. When most people are going through a break up all they do is complain. I wanted to explain why being civil is important with the hope of enlightening people on the proper way to recovering while in the process of having your heartbroken.

To sum up what I'll be discussing here I think this quote does it best.

"I don’t write about relationships, I write about my experiences in those relationships. " - Jozen, Until I Get Married

I see it like this, I don't owe any of my exes loyalty but I also don't owe them any disrespect.
When you allow someone to come into your life and alter anything about you and your happiness then you give them total control. No one should have the ability to make you feel like shit. A partner or lovers is suppose to help you not hinder you. People who are toxic should be removed from your life so, why feel guilty? You should be able to continue on as if they were never there. Never allow a person to treat you less than you deserve but never believe that less is all you will ever be worthy of. 

One thing I have never let a man do is have more than what he's offering me. You get what you're willing to give. If you're not giving me anything then I'm not throwing up my life for you.


My goal has always been to work on myself. I belief is that I love me and I want someone to share me with me. People need people who, want to learn how to love them the way they love themselves. If the man in your life can't do that then he's just not the one and he might be another woman's catch. THROW HIM BACK. Wish him well with the rest of his life and move on. You have to see it as doing yourself a favor. So what, he finds someone new, it's just a sign that you will also find someone new and be happy.


Stop letting family and friends drag up old dirt and have you hating someone you actually loved. Once you start letting people in it's hard to get them out. Kindly, show them the door and get back to living your life.


At this point in my life I'm looking  for a man to make the ultimate investment. The ultimate investment for me in a relationship is vulnerability and emotional maturity. I feel that if a man can't give me vulnerability: How's your day going? Do you need anything? bring me a pack of oreos on my sick day or tears up when he's feel down....a kiss and a hug when he can't afford to buy roses or words of encouragement when I'm doubting myself. Loyalty, not because I asked for it but because he knows the return on the investment.

Then, I'm not going to continue talking to him.

So ladies, here's some word to the wise:

  • LOVE THE SH*T out your ex from a distance. Ie, Say positive things about them, remember how they treated you, and be nice to yourself first.
  • Stay away from them until you feel you both can be civil.
  • Keep yourself busy with positive things, like volunteering at a shelter or spending time with family or friends. 
  • Traveling to new places and meeting new people will open up your circle allowing you to maybe find someone else special.
  • Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the decisions you made. ie Your Ex, friends, family, etc.
  • Accept your role in the demise of relationship and find ways to be better for yourself as a person.
  • You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.
  • Don't speak ill on your ex and don't allow anyone else to do it either. It only clouds your judgement and makes you bitter.
  • Never compete with any woman over a man who doesn't love you. Want to know if he could? Check out [ "Does He Love You or Not" ]
  • Privacy is a state of mind. So mind your business so others can mind theirs.
  • Learn to say "NO" and mean it. This will save you a lot of trouble.
  • Don't move too fast by jumping in a rebound relationship. If you're not ready to date again don't. 
  • [ Know your rights in a relationship] and what you want out of it. Be prepared to meet guys who wont give it to you.
  • Take the time to learn from your mistakes because the worst thing you can do is go backward when you're ready to move forward. Look at why this relationship lasted so long? How did you enable it.
  • No one ever said you had to hate your ex so don't let society dictate how you, [ forgive and forget] < Learn about it in this post.
  • Cut off toxic people, doesn't matter if they are friends, co-workers, or family. Don't allow yourself be a toxic person for anyone else.
  • Tell yourself all the positive things you have done and what you can do with your life.
  • Prayer can mend wounds...if you believe. Palms 147:3 - He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
  • Pain only last as long as you allow it.
  • Find someone you can trust and talk too about what you're feeling. ie A shrink or priest. 
  • If you can't find someone, keep a journal, just write down one thought per day and as time goes on build up until you have a paragraph.
  • It's ok to be hurt, it's also ok to be happy, just do your best to be healthy and find balance.
I feel strong when I walk away from a person who doesn't love me. There's a part of me that feels relived because I know that they can no longer hurt me. I know that the right person will eventually have the space to come in and cultivate something positive. Your ex doesn't need any help getting over you and you don't need their help either but what you will find is reasons why you wanted to leave in the first place. A toxic relationship is never as good as healthy one where the love and effort is mutual. No one can be toxic toward someone else and live a healthy life so don't believe the IG pictures, snapchat videos, and that smurk on their face. Give yourself the love you need and pat yourself on the back for trying to make it work and realizing it could not.

It's the end of a relationship not the end of the world. Break ups are hard but give yourself some time and things will get better. Don't miss out on all great things life has to offer over one disappointment. Life will go on but only when you are ready for it.

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This blog is NOT geared toward sexual orientation or gender classification. This blog is based solely on the blog authors experience and research. This blog is geared toward promoting a mixture of masculine and feminine attire and with an integrated genderless lifestyle.

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