The Woman in the Mirror| Losing my Mother

1/28/2016


A drop in the ocean, a change in weather, I was praying that you and I might end up together. Because you are my heaven. ~ The District


On the verge of losing my mother...I felt a complete loss. I wrote this post with pain and hope.
When a person dies in the physical and then you have to emotionally let them go. Grief is just that damn hard.
Everything that could go wrong within a week of my life did go wrong in my life. I lost so much that I had no time to grieve one more than the other. But sometimes God takes everything from you for a reason. This is the lesson that my Mother taught be about losing...

After my mother had been on life support for almost three weeks we decided it was time to let her make peace with this world and move into the next. It was soo hard sitting there waiting for her to pass. I wouldn't suggest it to just anyone. I don't know how my older sister did it but I literally ended up going home and throwing up. Plus, I couldn't eat for days. My nerves were horrible and I just couldn't see her in that condition. I want to thank my siblings for being so strong when I was not.

Many of my readers may have stumbled across my blog from Youtube, the place that made my name an overnight celebrity for all but 15 minutes, and it was there that I first introduced my mother and her lifestyle. I will not outline it here this blog post, but I will say she made decisions that were not always morally right but what she felt would make her happy.

Over the years I have had to realize that I was a product of her always wanting to do what made her happy and sometimes my siblings and I was caught in the backlash of that. I had to eventually understand that good people sometimes make bad decisions so that others can learn lessons and become stronger people.

Rarely do I ever showcase my family or talk about them. I really try to keep that portion of my life off social media because I know that families are a web of complexities. To steer clear of the ticking time bombs and the touchy issues that have led us to the point where my mother was on life support. My family is private but I will write about my experience. That is what this blog is all about, the experience of a single black woman going through life changing experiences and wanting to help others.

Losing a parent is the hardest thing in the world. No one can feel that loss for you, you have to go through it and then you have to get through it. 

I spent the earlier years of my life in foster care, taken care of and parented by my Aunt and Uncle, then eventually I aged out and I went to college to obtain my degrees. I have always lived a very separate life from my siblings and even my biological parents. Over the last seven years I started to get closer and closer to them.

Losing my mother is something I was prepared for because she was ill. Still, you can never prepare for grief and the absence of life. Even though, she and I had many conversations and I knew that it was time for me spend more time with her and therefore moving with her was going to be a short term experience but a long term investment. I was excited and so was she.

My mother and I were so much alike because we loved people, we loved to talk, we both liked to eat shrimp fried rice, candy/whoopers, listen to the Temptations, dance, we both loved Kobe and the Lakers, we both liked to wear dark colors, and we both loved Christmas, we were both feisty, etc. My mother and I look like twins, but were shared more than out physical features.

When I look in the mirror, I see my mother. I get to see her everyday for the rest of my life and I find that to be the most challenging thing I will ever do.

When I go back to her home people look at me and ask, "Hey, do you know xyx, you look just like her." I always tell them yes. Even my family members at reunions get us mixed up. After putting on a few pounds I still get mistaken for my mother. LOL.

The sad part is that I had to face some demons in my life because of the choices my mother made. I have never hated her or punished her with resentment. I believe in forgiveness. Her lifestyle made me into the woman I am today and I could never resent that. It has made me a very strong person but, still I'm emotionally numb and find it hard to share my feelings. We all grieve differently and as my mother did, we all live differently.

Over the last fifth teen years I sheltered myself from my mother lifestyle sometimes because made it easier for me to cope with her lifestyle. I wouldn't go around because I didn't want to see her in pain, I didn't want her to know I was sad, and sometimes I wish I would of been more vulnerable. It's not a regret but a reality.

One day I started doing all the good things my mother did, understanding and being an advocate to those in need, and I stopped trying to prove to everyone that I wasn't like her.

I feel that my mother saw me as the best version of herself. I did things she had only hoped for and for that I'm thankful. I am my mother's daughter because I choose to accept her journey. 24 years ago she she sat down at a table and cried while signed a letter to let me go into the foster care of my Aunt and Uncle. Here we are, my mother and I, standing at the cross road and this time I had to let her go. I think she was waiting for me to let go. The last to cry.

I wanted to right all of her wrongs and make her proud and she was.

She was an amazing soul who battled with demons but still managed to smile and treat everyone with love and respect. Most of the time my mother danced with her demons and sometimes they crawled into the darkness together.  I couldn't always go with her and she understood. Most importantly, my mother was happy with her life and she was loved by everyone who knew her.

I lost my mother and found myself. Looking the mirror. It was the greatest lesson she taught me.

Never to be afraid of the demons because God is with us. Therefore, I became fearless.

May God be with you as you are always with me. My mother and my friend.

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This blog is NOT geared toward sexual orientation or gender classification. This blog is based solely on the blog authors experience and research. This blog is geared toward promoting a mixture of masculine and feminine attire and with an integrated genderless lifestyle.

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