Dating 101 | Making Requests and Not Demands


Women waste so much time on men who don't love them. Men who refuse to commit. The hardest thing I have had to learn in the dating game is to not make demands. Learn from my mistake, realize that men don't need your help, you need help setting boundaries and clearing the path for the right man to come in your life.

It's hard because sometimes, as women, we don't realize that we're making demands or forcing our opinions or wants on to another person. Typically, when you start making demands you will come off as nagging to the other person. The responsibility of making the other person happy is really a big thing for males. If he believes he can't make you happy, he will leave, because the goal is find a woman who understands him. A woman who appreciates his type of love.

I have tired to revise my course of seeking positive actions within the dating arena and this has even followed me into my long term relationships.

I'm really eager to learn about negotiation and conflict resolution because I hope to make it my job one day. So, I started looking at different ways of communicating while dating. One book that really helped me a lot was Hill Harper's "The Conversation." If  you haven't read this book then please go ahead and download it asap because I will only cover a small portion of what he discusses in his eye opening book about black relationships.

Even while I was reading Steve Harvey's "Think Like A Man" I was taught some new ways of approaching men and telling them exactly what you want without sounding too demanding. I will say this, you must learn how to listen to your guy before you can ever learn how to communicate with him. I didn't learn that from Steve Harvey or Hill Harper...I learned it from Pastor T.D. Jakes in his book "He-Motions" and that is another book that changed my mind about how men think while being in a relationship and how to become a better life partner before you become partnered.

I think that women, especially black women, who are not around black men or interpersonal with any men on a daily basis have become unaware of how men think and what they do. We have a disconnect also from, either not having a father in the home or not have an active father in the home. From there we make many mistakes that other women from different ethnicity are not making. We are at a disadvantage and we have to make up for the loss of those 20+ years in a small amount time. Don't expect to read books and have it down to a science because "love" doesn't work that. You will mess up a lot before you actually find someone to get it right with because most of the time you are also dating someone who lacked a father and they are trying to figure it out too. Don't focus on the bad...learn to forgive, forget, and adapt by always show progress through "your actions."

The thing about not making demands as a black woman, that means you have to be vulnerable sometimes, and you have to give a man the chance to let you down and make mistakes. The hardest thing for a black woman to do is watch a guy she's interested in slowly give off "red flags" that he is not in it for the long run. See, black women have been let down in society in so many ways that they'd like to think love shouldn't be so hard because they have everything else every other women has to offer, and then some. We are deprived of love in even our closest relationships and that causes many of us to be numb and distant.

No one wants to get hurt and being hurt shouldn't be normal.

But, black women find ourselves losing between the urge for partnership and intimacy but also wanting to consider having babies before our doctors closes shop at 35. (We'll get to that on another post).

Now, with all that...The black women I know want intimacy and partnership more than marriage or babies. To be a helpmate and a best friend to someone you know intimately is truly a gift that not everyone is ready for but the goal is to find someone who is ready.

1) Allow a person to show you who they really are. 

This what Steve called the "3 month rule." I feel this is plenty of time to figure out who this guy really is through his actions. Not his words. The issue is that women would rather ignore the signs but still complain about it. This type of aggression causes women to start making demands. One thing leads to another and you're screaming from the top of your head.

The best thing about making requests is that it allows the guy(s) you're dating to either meet your needs and provide you with what you're requesting or risk being outed as incompatible for your time or love.

If you make a request and it is not met then you have to decide if that is something worth pursuing.

2) You have to know what your deal breakers are. 

For me, if you tick three major character flaws then I'm going to have to let you go. I'm the kind of woman who will tell a man when he's making a mistake and give him a chance to fix it but if that mistake proves to be [his character ] or a habit then, I have to sit down with myself and make a decision.

Men, women do not want to be disrespected or disregarded. These are two big turn offs for any woman who is seeking a long term relationship. So, if he does either one of those things on regular basis you may want to fall back and keep dating other men.

3) Know who you are and what your relationship goals are.

ie. My goal is getting to know a man with qualities of being a good partner for marriage.

  • Some other women's goals might be to just date and get the hang of being around men for a free meal. 
  • Some guys are just looking to Netflix and Chill because they don't believe they are ready to commit. 

Myself, personally, I don't date potential "boyfriend/husband material" at my age. I dated potential when I was in my early twenties when I had nothing to lose but as I get older and I feel that I've fined tuned myself through womanhood...I can't accept less than what I deserve.

Now what I deserve, is what I bring to the table and what I put into the world. I look for someone I can be a partner with despite our differences. I ask myself, what can I do for this relationship? How can we benefit the world together? I look for a man who's willing to let me in. I'm not forcing anything because I just don't see how doing that makes for a happy relationship. He has to always meet me halfway or it is not just not going to work. I have to feel loved. He needs to like me.

4) Ask yourself one question: Does what he says equal what he does?

Men {Words of Hill Harper}: If what you say, what you mean, and what you do are different while you're dating then you are not ready to be a partner in a relationship.Question: Does your actions meet your goals? If not, get out of the line and allow that woman the opportunity to find a man who's actions and words meet the end goal.

I have more respect for the men who said it wouldn't work. Then, I do for the men that keep me around out of fear of being lonely and for convenience. - Sonja Sky

Fear will keep you single and unhappy. Men automatic want to please the woman they are with,
thinking that they will be able to satisfy her every desire... then, they jump too far ahead and then they end up causing problems that don't exist. This kind of man is self sabotaging, he will blow hot and cold, and you will grow tired. It's not your job to save him from himself or past situations. This can go both ways. He should come prepared to be in a relationship. You should come prepared also.

5) There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. *If you want to work on a relationship*

We, as a generation, are growing jaded and we have to stop thinking that relationships are fairy-tales.


"The One" is the person staring you in the mirror...when you find your self then you will meet those qualities in someone else. First, you have to prefect those things in you.

You have to build a relationship with the person you're dating, it's not preassembled, because two people are coming together to create one foundation. Two people who are from different backgrounds but the beauty is making it work.

The best thing you can do when you get frustrated is to understand why he might be doing what he does. Others would say don't ask a man why? but, if you care you'll ask him at the right time with a caring heart. Listen and believe him and try to understand him.

I would suggest reading TD Jakes book "He-motions". I would suggest you doing it together.

In the opening pages, he describes his motivation for writing: "I want to share what I've learned. I want to cut through so much of the junk imposed on men today and talk heart to heart about what it means to be a man, not in some touchy-feely group hug kind of way but in an honest, soul-bearing way, which also respects men and honors the women who love them and whom they love."

Here are the chapters of the book:

Part one: A Man's Relationship with Himself
Part two: "" with Time
Part three: "" with His Father
Part four: "" with Other Men
Part five: "" with His Woman
Part six: "" with His Children
Part seven: "" with God

Each one of these chapters, we as women, have asked ourselves what our men think in these types of relationships. We want to know how to be a better helpmate in these "shifts" between a man's life. I believe this books helps women create less demands on our men and understand how to make request that benefit the both of you.

I don't have the answers to everyone's problems but I am offering a few solutions to help you in your individual journey to lifestyle success in regards to dating.

If he wants to be single, support his decision by letting him know that you want him to be happy, and appreciate that he showed or told you what he wanted. The best thing you can do is continue your journey to being a great partner for someone else.

Patience is a virtue because you have a let a person show you who they really are. If someone shows you who they are believe them.

"I ask that you start judging the quality of a man by his character and his ability to commit, as well as, how cherished, loved, supported, cared for and accepted you feel. If you don’t feel genuine calm, happy and secure – I guarantee he’s NOT the right man for you." - Maryjane Kapteyn

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This blog is NOT geared toward sexual orientation or gender classification. This blog is based solely on the blog authors experience and research. This blog is geared toward promoting a mixture of masculine and feminine attire and with an integrated genderless lifestyle.

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